Peace in a break... OR Break into pieces?

So how do you know if you have all that it takes to be a companion to someone? I mean not for someone in particular but in general. What if you realise that you are a misfit for the concept? Do you embrace the realisation or fight it?

What if you think you are a decent human being and have many friends to endorse it but no one really special to call your own? What if you are open to accepting people for who they are and let life take its course but others you meet in this context aren't? Will you still keep going single handedly to make it work or let it go on the premise that if it was meant to be, then it would have started kicking?
How long can you keep telling yourself that the its not time yet, and when the time comes you will indeed meet that one person meant for you? What if all this is a farce and there is no such thing as "one meant for you" ?

What if you find yourself toying with the idea of putting a stop to this companion quest and just let it be? Should this bring peace or scare you even more?

What if you think you have found the things you are looking for in principle like compassion, intelligence, being grounded yet fail to find that spark? Would you settle for that or would you not?
What if you find all that and the spark but the other person is not on the same page? Would you then try to make your point of why you think its worth exploring, or just let it go on the pretext that if the other person cant really see why it would be a great fit, is it really ever going to be great fit after all?

So I have moved countries - from Egypt to UK. And by the virtue of the fact that I am now here where there are loads of my fellow countrymen, the pressure of finding someone has started to take its toll on me. I guess I was better off in Egypt , at least I didn't expect anything on this front all this while that I was there - something like being in Civil Engg, when you see all other batch mates from other disciplines of Engg sweating it out for interviews etc but you are at peace knowing no company comes to your college for recruiting civil enggs

I think I need a break - but then again, how do you take a break from yourself?

Imagine that....

Imagine that ...

An examiner mistakenly (or otherwise) marks a correct answer of yours as incorrect. You point that out after seeing your marked answer sheet however the examiner is not ready to acknowledge that hes wrong. You keep trying for a while ....get some bumps on the way, but keep fighting rising from all that because you believe in the power of truth & optimism.... but after a long drive of sustained & varied efforts, you decide to give up. And when you ultimately do give up, you are engulfed with the sense of defeat & acute helplessness. Yes thats how I feel at this very moment!

Imagine that....

One simple villager takes his two children to the village fare and somehow loses track of the children in the crowd. The older of the two children takes it upon himself to get himself & his little brother to find their way out. The older one does manage to find his way back to his father after a long tiring struggle of cutting through the crowd while protecting the crying child from the very same crowd. The father is happy to find his kids back with him and automatically turns his attention to the crying child.

The other child wants to scream "Dad hug me, I am scared too" however keeps silent. He is scared that his fathers attention will be diverted from the little child who needs it more. He is scared that he would see the same expression of pain that his father had on his face when he saw the younger child scared & in tears. Not knowing what to do other than just deal with his fear himself, he is still waiting for his father to tell him that its ok to be scared sometimes, that he is going to make everything alright, that he has his father standing there for him when he feels all alone. Yes i feel like that child at this moment!

Imagine that....

You are on a trekking trip with a lot of other people with you. You seem to have a better grip on that tough terrain than many of them. People automatically give their hands out for you to catch them when they start stumbling. You catch each one of that.. and keep moving. And then there is this hand that you really like. So you pay special attention to that. So after the first call of your name , even you are not being called for by the person whose hand you really like , you keep checking that he is doing ok on that terrain.

You see the hand coming you way very frequently then. You are just so happy to hold it that you miss out on the realisation that the person has stopped walking on his own. And when that very hand starts pushing you , you lose your balance out of shock the first time but manage to gain it back quickly, thinking that if you are off balance there is no chance that the person will ever gain the balance back. You get used to that pushing hand and still are happy to just hold it. Why? For one you just love that warm feeling that your hand gets when in that hand. Also, you keep believing that this hand is the strong hand you have always been looking for, the stong hand that will hold you when you stumble along the way. And then you realise that the pushing is becoming way too frequent, actually an inevitable part of this hand holding.

You put all your energies in trying to avoid falling down, losing the balance and holding the hand a little bit stronger than before. You see the hand slipping everytime after pushing you down, sometimes slowly, sometimes in a split second with a jerk. You are told that the hand breaking away from that warm grip is for your own good. You are told that this beacuse while the hand deeply realises its need to be in your hand, it just doesnt know how to stop the pushing. And there you are, after all this pushing, you still dont want to let go of the hand. You believe that this is indeed the hand which is going to support you when need be in future. So you find out the underlying reasons for this pushing down syndrome.. or at least try to.

You figure that the belief on the other side is that the terrain is getting tougher by the day, and so because of you. Yes the belief is that it is so because of the shoes that you are wearing. The belief is that it is so beacuse the shoes have sharp blades which makes it difficult for those close to you on this trek to keep moving smoothly, as once your shoes hit that ground, the terrain is ruined. You are amused at this finding but take it seriously as it is causing serious trouble for your balance hence your ability to provide support to others balance.

You decide to deal with it by simply showing whats underneath the shoes. But you are told that the blades exist even though you have tried hard to hide them. Your faith that you can prove your truth remains unfazed. You offer a thorough investigation of the shoe. The offer is taken but halfway through the process and not finding any sign of the blade, you are told that maybe its not the blades, its just the way you walk.

You try again...and again.. not ready to believe that truth doesnt always win. But then finally get just too tired to try again.Yes I feel that tired now!!

BTW - "Imagine that" the movie : not that great!

Awaiting rebirth...

I want to cry... but my tear glands are way too tired.

I want to sing... but my vocal chords just resigned.

I want to run... but the signs on this crossroad are all messed up.

I want to scream ... but the voices in my head wouldnt shut up.

I want to smile... but someone harvested all my smiles crop.

I want to jump.... but i am stuck with my feet glued to the hilltop.

I want to drink... but the trip i am in, no drink seems good enough

I want to eat... but it just seems a little too tough.

I do want to live... but as of now i am just too dead to try that!

One PIE please ... with some extra "I"

So some of us know what PIE stands for .... yes i am referring to the acronym for Physical, Intellectual, Emotional.

I used to believe that all conflicts/ confusions in a man-woman relationship could be easily explained by the fact that the order of heirarchy among these three needs is totally opposite in men & women. Let me explain. A man needs his PIE aspects to be taken care of in exactly that order - First Physical, then Intellectual and then Emotional. While for a woman, the order is exactly the reverse. For her it is Emotional first , followed by intellectual and then Physical. At least that was what i used to believe (with a few exceptions of course... for me the "I" has always surpassed "E" by zillions of miles..but we are not talkign about me here.)

Was just wondering if this theory still works? I am not sure anymore. 

So is this the new-age world everybody keeps talking about? 

I just hope it means that whatever is the order, its the same for both the sexes. But life isnt that simple, now is it??

Hoping for new beginnings

The idea of doing something else work wise leaving the current line of work has been doin rounds in my mind (and more so in my heart) for sometime now...  

I am tempted... cos i know i shouldnt kill this voice and take a new direction....

But the problem is...i dont know what direction is that.

Trying to paint the canvas white...And I just might!

Yellow lights, green lights .... all saying the world is bright
And I run towards the sign which says “Its all black and white”

I run and see …and see and run, where to I don’t know
Wasn’t I supposed to have a guide in this damn show?

I thought I found you but I only saw, not bothering to open my eyes
So tell me who should I really blame for being blessed with this vice.

I am not into worship so don’t bother asking me to pray
But I might just let go, so yes you will have to ask me to stay…

No hugging is bugging me!!

Isnt it sad when you realise you have no one to hug?? Even when are you are feeling low ...or not feeling well physically?

I think its been one whole month (or more) since i have had any human contact in these terms. And this realisation doesnt make me feel any better.... or maybe when you are sick, you tend to make these sad discoveries.

I mean, really .... isnt this some kind of an indication that you are spending this precious part of your life without acually enjoying the true rewards that it has to offer! Or does this just mean that you are in a wrong place, at a wrong time?

I dont know...

...What i do know is that i need someone to hug, as of now...

.... but i have no one, as of now!

.......

My head is so messed up right now.... i had to find something to do... so here i am making a list of some totally random things about myself

- I cant sleep with the cupboards open. Just cant (and no its not because i think of being chased by ghosts coming out from there!)

- I still havent given up biting my nails ... never focussed on how ugly my hands look because of this but i insist on keeping my feet pedicured at all times.

- I cant concentrate on my work in office if the internet is not working, when i cant access any mail but the official one even though i dont usually look at these webpages once i open them. But they just have to be there up and running, for me to focus on work!

- Although i am not a cleanliness freak but i absolutely hate clutter... in the house , at my office desk and most importantly in my brain.

- When pain comes , i dont try to use distractions to avoid looking at it. I embrace it...whole heartedly, to be able to say good bye.

Raindrops...

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

[trumpet]

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

P.S. - This was just a test post for a new blog that i thought of creating and later dropped the idea. Preserving the post though for two reasons - 1. I didnt want the commenters hard work to go waste :)  2. I really like this track! It was originally titled as test post for obvious reasons!

Chapter Europe!!

A recent tarot card reading (courtesy - One of my Indian friends) told me that I will be off to another country after Dec 2008...somewhere in Europe.

And no its not UK. Cards said a definite NO for UK.So now i am thinking ...which country?? Suggestions please!!

Melancholy or Bliss?

These tracks are probably supposed to stir a lot of emotion in you.... but i am pretty sure among all these varied emotions , what i felt wasnt one of the intended ones.
I checked with my friends ... and when asked about how they felt after listening to these tracks, sadness/melancholy reverberated in some form or the other in all of their reactions

But everytime i listen to these tracks, I experience totally different emotions.....(Of course, i had never seen these videos before posting them here... I have never been a fan of music videos, i feel the video only detracts from the pure experience of audio. I talk only of the audio here.)

I feel a sudden surge of stimulating joy, everytime I listen to this



Again, listening to this one soothes my senses with joy again :)


Let me know guys, what emotions did you feel while listening to these tracks..

P.S. Both these tracks are Pakistani compositions. God Bless their music genius!

I miss...

Rains – I miss everything that happens before the rain (the collective effort of all those clouds , the anticipation of it actually raining….and so on) and everything that happens during & after it actually rains (the sound, the smell, the visual, the craving for tea at that time…everything!!). Ohhhhh I miss it all so much.

Movie outings - I miss going to movies almost every weekend .No Hindi movies on big screen here

Driving - I haven’t and wouldn’t buy a car here. The parking situation scares me.

FM - without this, I have no way of knowing which new tracks I would want in my collection. I am not much of a fan of watching music videos on TV.

Shoe Shopping – Like any other girl, this used to be at least a monthly activity. In the last 6 months, I have only bought 2 pairs and that too with much effort. Its not that shoes aren’t available here, however the styles, the prices, the variety … its not the same!!

Head Massages – Apparently salons here don’t offer this. Inspite of the fact that going-to-a-salon is much higher frequency phenomenon here for women; the focus is mainly on look-good activities. I miss the feel-good services like a head massage(oil), an indulgent pedicure (a pedicure here essentially means spending ten minutes on the nails mainly…yes, that’s it! Arghhhhhhhhh!) and so on.

Rotis (home-made)- don’t get wheat flour here. I know it’s unbelievable but that’s how it is.
My cell phone’s ringing diarrohea (or diarrhea) – I miss it,mostly on weekends. Sometimes the phone keeps lying in my handbag all through the weekend without me feeling the need to even look at it once during these two days. I miss talking to friends on the weekends.

Logically...

Read this question in some fun test for logic.

Taking the below statements as a group, which statement is the true one?

• The number of false statements here is one.
• The number of false statements here is two.
• The number of false statements here is three.
• The number of false statements here is four.

Want to give it a try?

They say first level of Maslow's hierarchy, I say the last!!

I have my mid term review today with my boss & the big boss. I am going to be asked questions like – What are your long term objectives? How long do you wish to be in this country? What are your career aspirations – which country from here , which division , which role etc ? Where do you see yourself after 2, 5 and 10 years?

And the problem is that I don’t know. Yes I dont. And I am ok with that.

I never claimed to be career oriented, or ambitious. And I have reached here by natural progression – without proactively doing anything about it. I am good at what I do. But that’s about it! I work because I cant sit idle. I don’t see the motivation to go places in my career. Heading a unit doesn’t motivate me. Maybe I am weird. Or maybe just that I am in the wrong profession. I don’t know.

I like being honest. But I am aware of the fact that if someone mentioned this in their review, probably the management would think of that person as someone lacking drive hence label that person as a non performer. I don’t want them to think like that. For the simple reason that its not true. I am at the same place in this point in time as many of my other peers who were proactive all along in their efforts to reach this position. So like I said my performance has ensured my natural progression. And I am content to be in this place at this without having a future plan. Not because this place in my career is the end that i had envisioned, but for the simple reason that i am a person who doesn't need too much to feel content. I do not rely on having an ambition (career wise) to feel happy & alive.

Maybe I am in that phase of my life where something else is of a higher importance to me than career (Although I doubt if career would ever become my top priority …but that remains to be seen!). And that something else is - ensuring companionship for myself. Yes companionship..more so, for my old age. As of right now I don’t have any complaints about being single. I don’t mind being single, infact enjoy the me-time.

Coming back to my review… what is the best way I can get these guys to figure out that my not gunning for any bigger role or country of strategic importance doesn’t automatically imply that I have lost all interest in my work? That my being content in this place & not having a 10 year plan doesn't mean that I am anti-progression & surprisingly when the progress is for my OWN self. Now being the management, they should be equipped to see things clearly. BUT do they really have the time, more importantly, the willingness to play psychoanalyst for just another employee, revenue generating alright, but just another employee. I don’t think so.

Anyway …enough of whining. Let me go to that damn meeting now. After all I have to negotiate my increment in this meeting. I like the idea of more money.

And No, I don’t wear glasses for my myopia.

Purpose..and lack thereof!!!

Just finished reading The Da Vinci Code...
And i agree with New York Times et al that its one hell of an intelligent thriller.... however it raised some fundamental questions for myself , which i guess i have always avoided for the lack of a clear answer.

Why do i fail to understand the concept for an eternal quest , more so the motivation of those quests.... quest for the ultimate truth , the ultimate wisdom or Nirvana? What next , after the success of your quest , after you find what you are seeking? Do you attain the ultimate happiness / contentment? What is ultimate happiness ??? Is it not ok to be content with day to day happiness? What would have happened if the Holy Grail secrets were found and revealed? Would it have changed the way Christians look at their God? I doubt that. After all , dont all religions in principle say on one level or the other that GOD is nothing but the goodness within you. Then how does it matter whether Jesus was married or not? How would have that changed the faith and the daily life of a devout Jesus follower who believes in the goodness of Jesus as the personnification of the concept of GOD?

Or are all these quests and their glorification thereof just an indication of the fact that its vital to have a guiding purpose in your life? So does it mean then that living life , devoid of any such purpose , is devoid of all meaning too?

I think of myself as an ordinary mortal who leads life without any such purpose in life. Now i dont see anything wrong with that and have simple philosophy of being a good human being , spend my lifetime as any other ordinary man/woman (eating , drinking , laughing , loving , procreating, parenting et al) . I have no such guiding purpose in my life except for trying to take the highs & lows of life in the same stride and enjoy most part of it. And i see no flaw in this philosophy of mine....except that , at times i am haunted by an Emptiness so strong that i am forced to seek within myself to find that purpose. I havent succeeded till now, after 30 years of doing so..... and the problem is I dont know whether I should hope that i find it (the purpose of my life) someday or I should hope that i manage to shoo away this feeling of emptiness afterall, with my living my life just the way it is!

My Virtual Hug....as real as it gets!

This is how i feel about my blog.My unconditional confidante!!

Day dreaming (vs. Day working)

Recently the idea of quitting work has become so irresistible in a such a potent way , that i am starting to wonder is it really me? So am I one of those non fighters , whose stress thresholds are a laughable low in today's time? May be its just the idea of change which is ever so enchanting , and it gets all of us at some point or the other ....May be accepting that change is the only perpetual entity in this world , we should let go!

Come to think of it , what do we have to lose here? Either we find our true calling or come back to the original routine if we happen to miss it.

I have a decent job .I mean it pays ok , the timings are not VERY strict (i can walk in at 11 am in the morning too without any comments) , and the organisational politics is not more than any other organisation. So what about the work , u may ask! Hmmm.....that's the catch i guess. It (the work) can be stimulating if you work very hard to get the operations part right , but more often that not everybody in my office just falls prey to this operations trap and end up having no time or energy to make the work stimulating by putting in some really good thinking.(Ok so you must be wondering , what is it that i do . I am into providing consultancy to marketing guys)

Anyway , so much for my job description. MY point is ...Is it so utterly wrong to fantasise not working in today's world ....(Even my mother told me I am nuts when i shared my newborn fantasy with her a few days back!)???

Burning the bridges...

How far can you go to defy escapism??May be you never really escape from it ;for the moment you start doing that , you realise its not a straight road after all.

So are happy endings permanent , or to say happy partings?Are they followed by successful separations? Well I guess theres no harm in trying.Bitterness isn't always an ode to permanence. Maybe we all keep looking for these small reasons for ourselves to be angry enough , not to go back. Maybe its easier to burn the bridges , in this oil of anger.And if we can do that without burning our bridges , maybe we really do possess that coveted strength of character. Knowing that the bridges exist , and yet resisting the temptation to walk back through them is the ultimate test . I guess its worth a try. For one , it saves you from burning your own hands in that fire , and two , you still smile when the pangs of nostalgia hit you. Whatever it is , it IS worth a try in all sincerity.....

...And in the end, even if we fail, we would still be content with the fact that at least tried.At the end of the day , don't we all absolve ourselves by resting on the clutches of "After all we are all human"

.....I feel at peace with myself. Processing ideas and reaching conclusions for the benefit of others has always proven to be the most beneficial for me. And this is no different!!!

Thankyou once again!!!May the rest of the world too gets lucky enough to see the personification of their vision.

Does beauty equal the co-existence of contadictions?

Sometimes I wonder why do all things worth appreciating are embedded with contradictions? May be its a vicious circle after all . Maybe one extreme cant be so beautiful without the other. Incomplete deters beauty, and maybe thats exactly why these contradictions exist.They complete each other.They enable us to appreciate their severity which wouldn't exist in isolation.

So co-existence of extremes is beauty , but squeezing them to lose their identity to form a new entity...would that be beautiful too?? I am not sure!