Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Why,you ask? Why not, i say....

After reading the comments of my readers on the last post, I realized maybe I wasn’t clear in expressing what I am angry about. So taking one more shot at it ..especially for you "my friend" :)

But before I do, lets see if we have the facts right, shall we?

A rabbit .A mouse. A playground. Rabbit approaches mouse, extends its hand for a hand shake, mouse accepts. Walk together for quite some time. As natural progression would have it, the path they tread on, leads to a room. Mouse, hesitant at first, finally overcomes its apprehensions (basically stemming from the realization of the differences between itself and the rabbit) and enters the room with the rabbit along its side.

Next step in the natural progression? Closing the door of the room so they have each others full attention! Mouse checks with rabbit , rabbit oks that.

Seasons change. Onset of winter. So next step of progression? Turning the heat up in the room. After waiting for the rabbit to take the prerogative this time, mouse finally inquires about the rabbits stance on the same. Rabbit begins to choke. Mouse sees its discomfort and offers to let the rooms temperature as is.

But to deal with the choking, rabbit needs the closed doors to open. Mouse goes ahead and opens the door. Rabbit steps out and so does the mouse. Mouse offers to have the final hand shake. Rabbit refuses. Says its not the only way. Says they should move on parallel paths overlooking each other along their respective journeys. Mouse says no, tries to make a clean cut and begins the silence … only to feel guilty that this might not be fair to the rabbit, and finally gives in to the suggested way of the rabbit.

So they wave and pass a smile to each other, every now and then, from their parallel paths. So far so good.

The rabbit starts extending its hand to other creatures along its way. The playground insists on notifying the mouse by default…Yes the default mechanism which was devised originally by the playground to keep all these creatures updated about each other hence closer in some sense. So you see, it’s neither the mouse nor the rabbit! The rabbit isn’t bragging about this to the mouse and the mouse isn’t indirectly snooping around or directly asking the rabbit. The mouse has let go.

Nevertheless this gets the mouse thinking. And angry.

Why? For various reasons.

For one the rabbit had used its inability to withstand the heat in the room behind the closed doors as its salvation argument with the mouse. The mouse had given the rabbit the benefit of doubt, thinking that the rabbit really didn’t know what would the simple hand shake lead to when it started the journey; that the rabbit really had no way of being aware of  this inability till the point of actually facing the heat. But NOW?? Now the rabbit knows.

And it is still extending its hand for new handshakes… knowing fully well that this would lead to ..the same natural progression..the room, the closed door and eventually the high mercury levels.

So what does this mean? Lets see...

  1. a. If the rabbit is ok with that natural progression, then this implies that this was NEVER a problem. This only means that the rabbit lied and used this as his defense because it knew that this would pass as believable. The mouse is angry because it doesn’t want to believe that the rabbit was a liar. Its angry because the facts are forcing it to believe so.
  1. b. Now lets say that the rabbit wasn’t lying and truly couldn’t withstand the heat. Think about it… given the fact that its trying to start new journeys being fully aware of its own limitations from a first hand experience……really, what kind of a character does this make the rabbit here? – One which knows that it is starting something which it cant complete, one which leaves the journey mate high and dry halfway through? The mouse knows no other way to see it as but lack of compassion. And the mouse is angry ….  Angry because compassion was one of the prime defining traits for the rabbit it knew, it was one of the reasons the mouse agreed to walk together with the rabbit  and eventually entered the room. The mouse is angry because it doesn’t want to believe this either while the facts insist on continuing their dirty dancing
  1. c. Now lets say that the rabbit was neither lying then nor doing anything wrong now because its inability was genuine then and now it has finally overcome it somehow. But really, is that possible? Isnt it easier to motivate yourself for conquering your inabilities when you have the reward right in front of your eyes? In the context of the rabbit, why now? Why not when it was in the room with the mouse?  The mouse is angry because it doesn’t have answers to these whys.

Now lets sweep this whole intolerance towards heat issue aside to a corner for a while and assume that the second argument, the final stroke to gain an exit pass from the room, the mouse being a mouse and not a rabbit was really the whole deal breaker for the rabbit. Now the mouse had made its peace with the fact that the rabbit probably truly cant cohabit with a non rabbit which happens to be a mouse in this case……inspite of the fact….  that the mouse to this date fails to comprehend why the rabbit didn’t think of this earlier, while extending its hand, while walking together, and more importantly while entering the room? No the mouse is not angry about all that now.  So then whats it angry about now, you ask?

Well those creatures that the rabbit is extending its hand towards now are non rabbits too. And the fact that they are different isn’t holding the rabbit back from proactively seeking an association with them.

  1. a. So again, this makes the mouse wonder if this (being a non rabbit) EVER was a problem or was just cited to facilitate an easy exit, when the above argument (inability to tolerate heat) didn’t work? If this is the case the mouse is angry to have been lied to… again…

  2. b. The other possibility is that this IS infact a criterion and the rabbit was not lying in the first place. (Whatever said in b above can be easily quoted here as well) … Aware of limitations yet raising false hopes in other creatures only to enjoy some gametime & fun with them? The mouse is angry because it has to press the buzzer for “shamelss lack of compassion”... again!

  3. c. The third possibility – Again on similar lines of c above… lets say “you- a-non-rabbit” was a genuine concern so no lying on the part of the rabbit then, and somehow it has ceased to be a concern, so no lack of compassion in trying to reach out to non rabbits now. Again the anger for the mouse stems from the timing of the rabbit to decide this. Why now? Why not when it was with the mouse (assuming that the rabbit has really erased this criterion)

And ... the mouse is angry because it doesn’t want to choose between the possibility of the rabbit being a liar or a compassionless dead soul.

Yes the mouse believes in accepting the creatures it calls its friends as they are, with their strengths and flaws alike. But there are some things which cant cross the line at any cost. Coincidentally, both honesty & compassion belong to that list of things.

When the mouse decided to break its silence and agreed to appear once again in the visibility range of the rabbit , the prime reason behind it all, was the belief in goodness. The belief that no creature can deliberately harm someone’s else interest … …and if the interests do somehow get harmed in the journey, it only happens without design, without the other really meaning to do so. So the mouse thought that shutting the rabbit out, completely, probably wasn’t fair...more so when the rabbit had made it explicitly clear that it didnt wish to be shut out.The mouse didn’t wish to think about its own self only so it gave in to the rabbits wish of letting the bridges be!

The mouse is angry because this whole thing shakes its basic philosophy of faith on which the mouse thrived on till now…

Maybe all of this is just a classic case of paralysis by analysis…. The mouse is angry because it has lost all its ability to see things clearly!!

P.S.- This is, in no way, an effort towards negating the other good qualities that define the rabbit. This is solely an expression of the anger felt by the mouse on its own perception of presence of certain other qualities viz Honesty & Compassion.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I am angry... and want to hold on that feeling for a while!

You think you have made your peace with something and then boom , it comes back later to bite you in the ass when you are not looking. Ok maybe not all of a sudden , maybe its triggered by some external stimulus rather than your internal think-machine. But the point is it comes back.

I am angry… and disappointed.  

And more pissed off for the fact that I cant remain angry for long.  So when I found myself angry, what did I do? I called the person I was angry with to hear the voice, to try and feel his sense of obliviousness in this context and be able to give him the benefit of doubt.

Yes call me crazy because I have weird mechanisms of dealing with things. But really… at the end of the day doesnt it come down to deciding for your own self what’s more important for you –

  • - Not letting the other person see the huge impact that the situation had on you and appear all strong/not vulnerable.. either shutting that person out or behaving in a nothing-has-changed manner with that person OR
  • - Not caring about the above. Instead facing the situation head on  - but at the same time trying to remind yourself of the good things about the association with that person, in the hope that it would help you see things clearly... in the perspective of balance!

So I go with the latter most of the times and it usually works. But this time, even after doing so, I don’t want to let this anger go. I am scared of the fact that this anger would evaporate all too soon and I would find myself getting bothered by a similar situation. So I want to feel this anger for so long that I don’t feel anything else.

Doesn’t make sense? Well remember the mouse and rabbit story?

The update  - The mouse is out and trying to figure where to go next, exhausted at the mere thought of finding another room to be comfortable, tempted by the thought of never entering a room again. While the rabbit is jumping on the same road again, just like before, but this time making sure to touch more creatures on its way, and touch them closely.  So why should the mouse be bothered? Yes it shouldn’t be …but for the fact… that it still doesn’t believe that the rabbit’s original intention was to cohabit the room for only some time and to get out on the road eventually, still cant digest the fact that the rabbit would still be treading the same path… all over again! In the exact same way with other creatures on its way!

You see this takes away the benefit of doubt that the mouse gave rabbit to salvage itself. The benefit of doubt being that the rabbit didn’t know that it couldn’t stand the heat of that room till it stayed in the room for a while. 

But now?? Now the rabbit knows! 

So why is it still looking, and pro actively so for partners to start a journey on the road which leads only to one place – that damned room?? Or maybe the foolish mouse doesn’t understand that problem was not the heat in the room in the first place but difference in their colour. 

If that was it, then why did the rabbit wait for so long to say this? And doesnt it know that the possibility of finding his own species is next to nothing in this path full of all kinds of species? So is it ok with walking along with a non rabbit? So when it blew the mouse off, was that a specific aversion to mice in general? 

What about the other unsuspecting creatures which the rabbit is going to disillusion? Why should be the mouse be worried about those creatures in the first place? Why does the mouse still wonder if the rabbit knows that all creatures would ask for adjusting the thermostat after a while and the rabbit being rabbit would run away..again? 

It is difficult to believe that the rabbit is so naive not to know... and if it does, then this doesnt make it a good being! (Unless of course, the rabbit feels that some creature would make it want to take that fur off to be ok with the extra heat in the room!). But no, this time the mouse doesnt want to use the benefit-of-doubt theory. So it has decided to house this anger for a while. And also stop looking at the direction where the rabbit jumps... forever!

The upside?? (Well why an upside??...cos i create such a hype about the sense-of- balance everytime!! So its only fair to expect an upside to this as well)  - Maybe all these whys will end up making me wise...somehow!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Giving in...

For the lack of anything better (I mean what do you expect? On the Christmas morning, when all the world is either sleeping or rejoicing in the festivities, I am here in office with a handful of others pretending to work but with no actual work on hand, overlooking grey clouds in the sky with an utmost certainitythat it is NOT going to rain for the simple reason that it NEVER rains here inspite of my constant prayers!)... i am going to put a tag (picked up from a fellow blogger's land) here and see if all this hype about tags really holds any worth... 

The way its supposed to go is that you get a chance to express ur true feelings :P by answering these questions honestly... 

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. Something I have and you want?
4. Give me a nick name and explain why you picked it?
5. Describe me in one word?
6. What was your first impression of me?
7. Do you still think that way about me now?
8. What reminds you of me?
9. If you could ever give me one thing, what would it be?
10. How well do you know me?
11. How do you see me in future?
12. Ever wanted to tell me anything, but couldn't?
13. Are you going to put this on your blog and going to see what I say about you?

Go ahead put up the same tag in your blog, I promise i wouldnt accuse you of plagiarism :P

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Trying to paint the canvas white...And I just might!

Yellow lights, green lights .... all saying the world is bright
And I run towards the sign which says “Its all black and white”

I run and see …and see and run, where to I don’t know
Wasn’t I supposed to have a guide in this damn show?

I thought I found you but I only saw, not bothering to open my eyes
So tell me who should I really blame for being blessed with this vice.

I am not into worship so don’t bother asking me to pray
But I might just let go, so yes you will have to ask me to stay…

Thursday, December 18, 2008

No hugging is bugging me!!

Isnt it sad when you realise you have no one to hug?? Even when are you are feeling low ...or not feeling well physically?

I think its been one whole month (or more) since i have had any human contact in these terms. And this realisation doesnt make me feel any better.... or maybe when you are sick, you tend to make these sad discoveries.

I mean, really .... isnt this some kind of an indication that you are spending this precious part of your life without acually enjoying the true rewards that it has to offer! Or does this just mean that you are in a wrong place, at a wrong time?

I dont know...
...What i do know is that i need someone to hug, as of now...
.... but i have no one, as of now!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Mourning a death! - By being ALIVE

“Its getting cold in here”
- the mouse says looking at the thermostat.
“I know , but lets talk about something else for the time being. I don’t want to think about cold” – the rabbit responds.
“Ok.. what do u want to talk about?”

So they talk about anything.

A wave of cold hits the mouse again after a while.
“Really, you are ok with this temperature? I feel we should adjust the thermostat”
“Yes I am ok… you see my fur? I am afraid I will be uncomfortably hot if you increased the temperature” - the rabits says after a long pause , after realising that the question isnt rhetorical and the mouse is indeed expecting a reply.
“So you are saying you can’t take out the fur, at all? Never? So you never feel so hot to want to take off the fur?” - says the surprised mouse.
“Ok all this talk has made the room much hotter than before. I can’t breathe”
“Maybe we should open up a window for fresh air?" - says the mouse, genuinely concerned now for the rabbit not thinking of the cold wind that would come in from the window.
“Sure, great idea! Here, I opened it”
- says the rabbit , now standing in front of the window and breathing normally again.
“Ok with this window open, i dont think this automatic tuning of thermostat is enough. Really wouldnt a little more warmth be better? Can we adjust the thermostat please. And winter is approaching too…” - slowly speaks the mouse after not being able to withstand the very cold room now...which has been getting colder ever since opening of the window.
“I don’t know what to say. I already told you about my fur. Remember I have fur? And if you are cold …maybe you should change the room”

“But... but I like it here. I don’t know if its perfect but I am comfortable here. Yeah sure I feel the roof will leak sometime, the chairs will break… but I know the colour of the walls, I know the print of the bedspread.
Ok tell you what, lets not touch the thermostat.. Lets keep it at what it is, a little above room temperature for that warmth that we both feel ok with”
- sighs the mouse
“Well… now that you mention it I think I need to turn the heat down actually. I need to open the door as well. I am having difficulty breathing again. Maybe we should go out of the room back to the path we came from. We eventually would have to move out of the room , right? Now is a good time to do that" - suggests the rabbit, trying to provide a clear direction to the predicament that it thinks the mouse is expecting to be resolved.
“And whys that?” - utters the confused mouse , thinking about how the rabbit wanted to enjoy both warmth of the room and the cold from the open window , wondering if the idea of eventually closing the window of the room could have transpired this thought of opening the door as well, or quitting the room altogether.
“Because … You are a mouse. I am a rabbit”
“But I was always a mouse! Even when you found me and stopped me in my way to walk together, even when we entered this room!” - says the shocked and exasperated mouse
“Because …because... err you are brown, I am white. You fit in a hole, i dont”

The mouse closes its eyes. Closes its ears. Shuts off everything.
The rabbit decides to wait till this passes.

And now the thermostat is broken. Beyond repair. The doors are open. The rabbit is out but is still peeping in through the window.

The mouse has taken a leap...not in the direction it was hoping for.....jumping out of the cosy cushion on that not so perfect chair (that it loved, inspite of the chair missing back support), earlier than it expected but confused....confused for the smell of death hovers around its head, yet it doesnt feel dead.....and so scurries out of the room.

The room now is empty.
The same room which the rabbit and the mouse had stumbled upon without realization after months of travelling together on the path of playful leaps, boring naps, stimulating jumps...and had liked so much that they even stopped looking out of the window.

You see when they started walking together, the rabbit didn’t know the path travelled together led to this room and the mouse didn’t know it ended there.

Monday, December 1, 2008

My T-shirt reads...

Dont chase me....

....... if you are not ready to catch me!!