You think you have made your peace with something and then boom , it comes back later to bite you in the ass when you are not looking. Ok maybe not all of a sudden , maybe its triggered by some external stimulus rather than your internal think-machine. But the point is it comes back.
I am angry… and disappointed.
And more pissed off for the fact that I cant remain angry for long. So when I found myself angry, what did I do? I called the person I was angry with to hear the voice, to try and feel his sense of obliviousness in this context and be able to give him the benefit of doubt.
Yes call me crazy because I have weird mechanisms of dealing with things. But really… at the end of the day doesnt it come down to deciding for your own self what’s more important for you –
- - Not letting the other person see the huge impact that the situation had on you and appear all strong/not vulnerable.. either shutting that person out or behaving in a nothing-has-changed manner with that person OR
- - Not caring about the above. Instead facing the situation head on - but at the same time trying to remind yourself of the good things about the association with that person, in the hope that it would help you see things clearly... in the perspective of balance!
So I go with the latter most of the times and it usually works. But this time, even after doing so, I don’t want to let this anger go. I am scared of the fact that this anger would evaporate all too soon and I would find myself getting bothered by a similar situation. So I want to feel this anger for so long that I don’t feel anything else.
Doesn’t make sense? Well remember the mouse and rabbit story?
The update - The mouse is out and trying to figure where to go next, exhausted at the mere thought of finding another room to be comfortable, tempted by the thought of never entering a room again. While the rabbit is jumping on the same road again, just like before, but this time making sure to touch more creatures on its way, and touch them closely. So why should the mouse be bothered? Yes it shouldn’t be …but for the fact… that it still doesn’t believe that the rabbit’s original intention was to cohabit the room for only some time and to get out on the road eventually, still cant digest the fact that the rabbit would still be treading the same path… all over again! In the exact same way with other creatures on its way!
You see this takes away the benefit of doubt that the mouse gave rabbit to salvage itself. The benefit of doubt being that the rabbit didn’t know that it couldn’t stand the heat of that room till it stayed in the room for a while.
But now?? Now the rabbit knows!
So why is it still looking, and pro actively so for partners to start a journey on the road which leads only to one place – that damned room?? Or maybe the foolish mouse doesn’t understand that problem was not the heat in the room in the first place but difference in their colour.
If that was it, then why did the rabbit wait for so long to say this? And doesnt it know that the possibility of finding his own species is next to nothing in this path full of all kinds of species? So is it ok with walking along with a non rabbit? So when it blew the mouse off, was that a specific aversion to mice in general?
What about the other unsuspecting creatures which the rabbit is going to disillusion? Why should be the mouse be worried about those creatures in the first place? Why does the mouse still wonder if the rabbit knows that all creatures would ask for adjusting the thermostat after a while and the rabbit being rabbit would run away..again?
It is difficult to believe that the rabbit is so naive not to know... and if it does, then this doesnt make it a good being! (Unless of course, the rabbit feels that some creature would make it want to take that fur off to be ok with the extra heat in the room!). But no, this time the mouse doesnt want to use the benefit-of-doubt theory. So it has decided to house this anger for a while. And also stop looking at the direction where the rabbit jumps... forever!
The upside?? (Well why an upside??...cos i create such a hype about the sense-of- balance everytime!! So its only fair to expect an upside to this as well) - Maybe all these whys will end up making me wise...somehow!