Sunday, December 28, 2008

I am angry... and want to hold on that feeling for a while!

You think you have made your peace with something and then boom , it comes back later to bite you in the ass when you are not looking. Ok maybe not all of a sudden , maybe its triggered by some external stimulus rather than your internal think-machine. But the point is it comes back.

I am angry… and disappointed.  

And more pissed off for the fact that I cant remain angry for long.  So when I found myself angry, what did I do? I called the person I was angry with to hear the voice, to try and feel his sense of obliviousness in this context and be able to give him the benefit of doubt.

Yes call me crazy because I have weird mechanisms of dealing with things. But really… at the end of the day doesnt it come down to deciding for your own self what’s more important for you –

  • - Not letting the other person see the huge impact that the situation had on you and appear all strong/not vulnerable.. either shutting that person out or behaving in a nothing-has-changed manner with that person OR
  • - Not caring about the above. Instead facing the situation head on  - but at the same time trying to remind yourself of the good things about the association with that person, in the hope that it would help you see things clearly... in the perspective of balance!

So I go with the latter most of the times and it usually works. But this time, even after doing so, I don’t want to let this anger go. I am scared of the fact that this anger would evaporate all too soon and I would find myself getting bothered by a similar situation. So I want to feel this anger for so long that I don’t feel anything else.

Doesn’t make sense? Well remember the mouse and rabbit story?

The update  - The mouse is out and trying to figure where to go next, exhausted at the mere thought of finding another room to be comfortable, tempted by the thought of never entering a room again. While the rabbit is jumping on the same road again, just like before, but this time making sure to touch more creatures on its way, and touch them closely.  So why should the mouse be bothered? Yes it shouldn’t be …but for the fact… that it still doesn’t believe that the rabbit’s original intention was to cohabit the room for only some time and to get out on the road eventually, still cant digest the fact that the rabbit would still be treading the same path… all over again! In the exact same way with other creatures on its way!

You see this takes away the benefit of doubt that the mouse gave rabbit to salvage itself. The benefit of doubt being that the rabbit didn’t know that it couldn’t stand the heat of that room till it stayed in the room for a while. 

But now?? Now the rabbit knows! 

So why is it still looking, and pro actively so for partners to start a journey on the road which leads only to one place – that damned room?? Or maybe the foolish mouse doesn’t understand that problem was not the heat in the room in the first place but difference in their colour. 

If that was it, then why did the rabbit wait for so long to say this? And doesnt it know that the possibility of finding his own species is next to nothing in this path full of all kinds of species? So is it ok with walking along with a non rabbit? So when it blew the mouse off, was that a specific aversion to mice in general? 

What about the other unsuspecting creatures which the rabbit is going to disillusion? Why should be the mouse be worried about those creatures in the first place? Why does the mouse still wonder if the rabbit knows that all creatures would ask for adjusting the thermostat after a while and the rabbit being rabbit would run away..again? 

It is difficult to believe that the rabbit is so naive not to know... and if it does, then this doesnt make it a good being! (Unless of course, the rabbit feels that some creature would make it want to take that fur off to be ok with the extra heat in the room!). But no, this time the mouse doesnt want to use the benefit-of-doubt theory. So it has decided to house this anger for a while. And also stop looking at the direction where the rabbit jumps... forever!

The upside?? (Well why an upside??...cos i create such a hype about the sense-of- balance everytime!! So its only fair to expect an upside to this as well)  - Maybe all these whys will end up making me wise...somehow!


Anand said...

While there is a rabbit in all of us, evolution into a mouse is rare and it is the mouse that is the fittest.
What did Darwin say about nature's law again?

I Walk Alone!!! said...

I know what you are talking of... EXACTLY!!!

Now just listen to this... and try to accept if you can...

1. The mouse should realise that thankfully the rabbit did not cook up some nonsense story... so the thermostat problem was real but not the prime reason. Get this straight in your head. It could be a reason made up so that mouse could believe it. I am sorry for being so blunt. But that's reality mouse has to accept. The earlier the better. (I am making this bold conclusion based on your statement that rabbit is looking for other occupants for the same room -- so soon!!!).

2. Once mouse has been thrown out of the room. The room has no space for that mouse again in any form (if the mouse believes in any self respect). No interference as well please!!!

3. Rabbit's action to get another companions in the room is natural. Mouse feeling bad is natural. But reactions of the mouse are not natural. Ask mouse to stop doing it right away. Both have a life to live.

4. Rabbit is not naive. But every being has a right to belief and rabbit and mouse both have distinct beliefs and should respect each other for it.

5. Now the question of why the thermostat came in so late... Rabbit has climbed the learning curve and if the mouse was climbing it as well... it would have seen this coming. If the mouse did not see it coming, it is also to certain extent responsible and to be blamed.

6. Anger is good. Hold it till the time you burn the room issue into ashes and not beyond. Coz after that it will kill rationality. And once the issue is burnt to ashes, then for god's sake stop raking the ashes again.

I don't know whether I made sense... I hope I did and hope that this helps...

Paradox Philic said...

@ Anand - You are biased :P

Paradox Philic said...

@ I walk alone - I was a little confused after reading your comment... maybe I am not as good in communicating my thoughts as I would like to think I am!!

1.Rabbit didnt cook up a nonsense story?? well first it cited the possibility of additional heat making it uncomfortable and then when the mouse offered to let the thermostat be as is the rabbit still wanted out for the simple reason that the cohabitant was a mouse. Now I see it very much as nonsense cos the mouse was always a mouse, its not that it turned into one after entering the room.

2.Did i in anyway gave the impression that the mouse WANTS to go back to that room? Or even interfere in any form?? ... If i did, i do need to work on my articulation. And just for the record, thrown out is not exactly how i would describe it..the room was vacated by both with rabbit taking the first step out.

3.Rabbits action natural?? Well I have a different opinion here - You see natural is when you follow the flow and dont abrupt it when you are scared of going any further... cos if you are then you shouldnt begin the journey in the first can you not think about the partner you are taking this journey with...Ok i can understand if you realise midway that you cant make the journey any further , so you really cant help it... but after gaining this realisation, do you set out for yet another journey BEFORE addressing those fears? Wouldnt it then meet the same fate - with you running away in the middle of it all leaving the partner exasperated...Now THAT'S what my whole point is

4.Distinct beliefs i can understand and respect. For eg i am an atheist leaning towards agnostism, but i dont fail to understand peoples faith in God. So no its not about that.

5.Learning curve?? What learnign curve? That you keep on taking journeys till the point you can, whether you are actually ready or not, whether you actually believe this is the journey mate you want? To me it sounds like the epitome of the absence of compassion. So no thanks, i am happy with not climbing this learning curve.

6.Trust me when i say i cant hold anger for long. I usually get caught in focussing on not being unfair to the other person and forget all about being fair to my own self. So this time i am trying to hold on to this anger as an effort of being fair to myself.

Sorry if it didnt come out polite. I am sure you understand that i am doing a good job not letting the anger go :)

Maybe you meant something completely different than my interpretation and i misunderstood. But then again, maybe i meant something else than what you understood of my post to write this comment.... Ah, the wonders of expression and perception! :D

Raghu said...

Oh well , i did read it couple of times ! .. u knw its not always easy to follow the thot process. Its much more difficult to read others !! . But i cld get that u r pretty pissed off n angry ! .. and the reasons r , u have told it all !
I have had my share of thoughts-circus ! .. nd still have it nd am sure wld have it fer the rest of my life ! ..
My benifit of doubts runs just once , may b max , twice .. after that it stops. Alright thats the present situaiton .. hehe.. I knw u get blind at times , giving the benifit of doubts fer 'n' number of times . Thinking that it wld be 'OK' next time ! .. And the cylce repeats ! ..
You are angry and do not want to get it off. On my part i wld just get in-different . Something like no-emotions ! .. and may b others wld have their own way of dealing with things ..
Did u say peace ?? .. it comes in small pieces :) .. All in the Realms of the Mind .cheers !

I Walk Alone!!! said...


Firstly I am not at all offended and I did not find you rude or not polite :) So just relax.

Hmmm lets take it one point at a time.

1. So the mouse was always a mouse and would always remain to be one... is a fact and cannot be changed. Then whats the need to feel bad at a later stage. Its about accepting the fact. The earlier the better.

2. Ok I agree my mistake. Misinterpreted. Actually might have flown in emotions ;) Now that the room is vacated, neither the rabbit nor the mouse should have anything to do with the room, the thermostat or each other for that matter.

3. Now there is a small confusion here. Rabbit's action is natural (Natural here refers to the actions after the room has been vacated and nothing before that point). Coz I am assuming that once the room is vacated... both are on different paths and have cleared up everything between them. If there are still any unfinished issues to be resolved, then as per my understanding the room is not empty yet. There are baggages still in the room that needs to be cleared. And neither the rabbit nor the mouse can move on without clearing their baggages from the room.

About rabbit starting a new journey after the room is vacated and the baggages are cleared is not something the mouse should be concerned about. Mouse has done its share, did what was needed, explained and cleared the baggages... Now there is no reason why the mouse should be worried about what rabbit does in its new journey forward.

4. Good that beliefs are not a part of the problem, coz thats something which can never be reconciled. Personal experience :)

5. Learning curve does not mean lack of compassion. I think its getting misinterpreted. Seems like its your turn to flow in emotions ;) You personally agreed that midway one might realize that although the journey was well begun but it may not be continued further. And thats what I was referring to. No matter how you exit the room. There has to be respect for the time spent together with the cohabitant.

6. Perfect. Be fair to yourself but not beyond being unfair to your brains ;)

Trust me I am loving this conversation... But I hope this time I made some sense... if not as usual you can reply and I will try to see where I am i failing to explain ;)

Sane Insane said...

You truly personify your pen name!

Also, for a mouse and rabbit to come together and co-habit is against the law of nature. Why try to change it all, and give director's like Spielberg make another boring epic like "Evolution-4" or "Species-6"?

Crux of the story: Find a Mouse or Rabbit (whichever your relate to yourself) and be Happy.

I know it all sounds crude, and rude and what not. So, I advise to read my comment twice and get into the hidden meaning.

Just hang in there, and take it easy.

Paradox Philic said...

@ Raghu - Amen!!! Hope the peace comes soon enough.

Paradox Philic said...

@ I walk alone - :)
Like i said ... the wonders of expression and perception.

Maybe i am not a good narrator... or maybe i am not able to get my point across.. goes another shot at it

1. What made you think mouse wants to change the fact that its a mouse. Infact the mouse is proud of being a mouse. Where did you get the impression that its sad to be a mouse or has trouble accepting the fact? The only trouble it has is - the rabbit throwing this (it being a mouse) as a defence in the face of mouse, while severing the ties.

2. Well the room has been vacated all right. But the playground where they had met in the first place remains common. Add to that the fact, that the playground insists on notifying the mouse when the rabbit jumps near anyone. Well, maybe i should add here that the mouse wanted to burn all the bridges in the first instance but the rabbit wished otherwise, and the mouse gave in after some resistance. like i mentioned in the post, the mouse has finally made arrangements that it doesnt get to know what the rabbit is upto (without consulting/informing the rabbit this time)

3.Again the mouse is NOT making a point about the rabbit's new journeys. Its the rabbits life after all. So whats the point its trying to make, you ask?? Well..maybe i wouldnt be able to do justice to it here (it being the triggers behind this anger). so let me give it a shot in the next post....


Paradox Philic said...

@ Sane Insane -
Crux of the story: Find a Mouse or Rabbit (whichever your relate to yourself) and be Happy.
I know it all sounds crude, and rude and what not. So, I advise to read my comment twice and get into the hidden meaning.

No you dont sound crude, rude or what not as you say...but yes you do sound like you missed it this time too. I knew you didnt get it the first time... but this time too? I thought you knew me. Anyway to be fair, its probably not easy to decipher what the amateur narrator is trying to say through the medium of a story.... I am hoping, i will get better in expressing myself more clearly, someday!!

Anonymous said...

I can sooo relate. I have the same issues myself.

Paradox Philic said...

@ Anonymous - Good to know that i am not alone :)

Welcome here!

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