I am angry... and want to hold on that feeling for a while!

You think you have made your peace with something and then boom , it comes back later to bite you in the ass when you are not looking. Ok maybe not all of a sudden , maybe its triggered by some external stimulus rather than your internal think-machine. But the point is it comes back.

I am angry… and disappointed.  

And more pissed off for the fact that I cant remain angry for long.  So when I found myself angry, what did I do? I called the person I was angry with to hear the voice, to try and feel his sense of obliviousness in this context and be able to give him the benefit of doubt.

Yes call me crazy because I have weird mechanisms of dealing with things. But really… at the end of the day doesnt it come down to deciding for your own self what’s more important for you –

• - Not letting the other person see the huge impact that the situation had on you and appear all strong/not vulnerable.. either shutting that person out or behaving in a nothing-has-changed manner with that person OR
• - Not caring about the above. Instead facing the situation head on  - but at the same time trying to remind yourself of the good things about the association with that person, in the hope that it would help you see things clearly... in the perspective of balance!

So I go with the latter most of the times and it usually works. But this time, even after doing so, I don’t want to let this anger go. I am scared of the fact that this anger would evaporate all too soon and I would find myself getting bothered by a similar situation. So I want to feel this anger for so long that I don’t feel anything else.

Doesn’t make sense? Well remember the mouse and rabbit story?

The update  - The mouse is out and trying to figure where to go next, exhausted at the mere thought of finding another room to be comfortable, tempted by the thought of never entering a room again. While the rabbit is jumping on the same road again, just like before, but this time making sure to touch more creatures on its way, and touch them closely.  So why should the mouse be bothered? Yes it shouldn’t be …but for the fact… that it still doesn’t believe that the rabbit’s original intention was to cohabit the room for only some time and to get out on the road eventually, still cant digest the fact that the rabbit would still be treading the same path… all over again! In the exact same way with other creatures on its way!

You see this takes away the benefit of doubt that the mouse gave rabbit to salvage itself. The benefit of doubt being that the rabbit didn’t know that it couldn’t stand the heat of that room till it stayed in the room for a while. 

But now?? Now the rabbit knows! 

So why is it still looking, and pro actively so for partners to start a journey on the road which leads only to one place – that damned room?? Or maybe the foolish mouse doesn’t understand that problem was not the heat in the room in the first place but difference in their colour. 

If that was it, then why did the rabbit wait for so long to say this? And doesnt it know that the possibility of finding his own species is next to nothing in this path full of all kinds of species? So is it ok with walking along with a non rabbit? So when it blew the mouse off, was that a specific aversion to mice in general? 

What about the other unsuspecting creatures which the rabbit is going to disillusion? Why should be the mouse be worried about those creatures in the first place? Why does the mouse still wonder if the rabbit knows that all creatures would ask for adjusting the thermostat after a while and the rabbit being rabbit would run away..again? 

It is difficult to believe that the rabbit is so naive not to know... and if it does, then this doesnt make it a good being! (Unless of course, the rabbit feels that some creature would make it want to take that fur off to be ok with the extra heat in the room!). But no, this time the mouse doesnt want to use the benefit-of-doubt theory. So it has decided to house this anger for a while. And also stop looking at the direction where the rabbit jumps... forever!

The upside?? (Well why an upside??...cos i create such a hype about the sense-of- balance everytime!! So its only fair to expect an upside to this as well)  - Maybe all these whys will end up making me wise...somehow!

Giving in...

For the lack of anything better (I mean what do you expect? On the Christmas morning, when all the world is either sleeping or rejoicing in the festivities, I am here in office with a handful of others pretending to work but with no actual work on hand, overlooking grey clouds in the sky with an utmost certainitythat it is NOT going to rain for the simple reason that it NEVER rains here inspite of my constant prayers!)... i am going to put a tag (picked up from a fellow blogger's land) here and see if all this hype about tags really holds any worth... 

The way its supposed to go is that you get a chance to express ur true feelings :P by answering these questions honestly... 

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. Something I have and you want?
4. Give me a nick name and explain why you picked it?
5. Describe me in one word?
6. What was your first impression of me?
7. Do you still think that way about me now?
8. What reminds you of me?
9. If you could ever give me one thing, what would it be?
10. How well do you know me?
11. How do you see me in future?
12. Ever wanted to tell me anything, but couldn't?
13. Are you going to put this on your blog and going to see what I say about you?

Go ahead put up the same tag in your blog, I promise i wouldnt accuse you of plagiarism :P

Trying to paint the canvas white...And I just might!

Yellow lights, green lights .... all saying the world is bright
And I run towards the sign which says “Its all black and white”

I run and see …and see and run, where to I don’t know
Wasn’t I supposed to have a guide in this damn show?

I thought I found you but I only saw, not bothering to open my eyes
So tell me who should I really blame for being blessed with this vice.

I am not into worship so don’t bother asking me to pray
But I might just let go, so yes you will have to ask me to stay…

No hugging is bugging me!!

Isnt it sad when you realise you have no one to hug?? Even when are you are feeling low ...or not feeling well physically?

I think its been one whole month (or more) since i have had any human contact in these terms. And this realisation doesnt make me feel any better.... or maybe when you are sick, you tend to make these sad discoveries.

I mean, really .... isnt this some kind of an indication that you are spending this precious part of your life without acually enjoying the true rewards that it has to offer! Or does this just mean that you are in a wrong place, at a wrong time?

I dont know...

...What i do know is that i need someone to hug, as of now...

.... but i have no one, as of now!

Mourning a death! - By being ALIVE

“Its getting cold in here” - the mouse says looking at the thermostat.
“I know , but lets talk about something else for the time being. I don’t want to think about cold” – the rabbit responds.
“Ok.. what do u want to talk about?”
“Anything.”
So they talk about anything.

A wave of cold hits the mouse again after a while.
“Really, you are ok with this temperature? I feel we should adjust the thermostat”
“Yes I am ok… you see my fur? I am afraid I will be uncomfortably hot if you increased the temperature” - the rabits says after a long pause , after realising that the question isnt rhetorical and the mouse is indeed expecting a reply.
“So you are saying you can’t take out the fur, at all? Never? So you never feel so hot to want to take off the fur?” - says the surprised mouse.
“Ok all this talk has made the room much hotter than before. I can’t breathe”
“Maybe we should open up a window for fresh air?" - says the mouse, genuinely concerned now for the rabbit not thinking of the cold wind that would come in from the window.
“Sure, great idea! Here, I opened it” - says the rabbit , now standing in front of the window and breathing normally again.
“Ok with this window open, i dont think this automatic tuning of thermostat is enough. Really wouldnt a little more warmth be better? Can we adjust the thermostat please. And winter is approaching too…” - slowly speaks the mouse after not being able to withstand the very cold room now...which has been getting colder ever since opening of the window.
“I don’t know what to say. I already told you about my fur. Remember I have fur? And if you are cold …maybe you should change the room”

“But... but I like it here. I don’t know if its perfect but I am comfortable here. Yeah sure I feel the roof will leak sometime, the chairs will break… but I know the colour of the walls, I know the print of the bedspread.
Ok tell you what, lets not touch the thermostat.. Lets keep it at what it is, a little above room temperature for that warmth that we both feel ok with” - sighs the mouse
“Well… now that you mention it I think I need to turn the heat down actually. I need to open the door as well. I am having difficulty breathing again. Maybe we should go out of the room back to the path we came from. We eventually would have to move out of the room , right? Now is a good time to do that" - suggests the rabbit, trying to provide a clear direction to the predicament that it thinks the mouse is expecting to be resolved.
“And whys that?” - utters the confused mouse , thinking about how the rabbit wanted to enjoy both warmth of the room and the cold from the open window , wondering if the idea of eventually closing the window of the room could have transpired this thought of opening the door as well, or quitting the room altogether.
“Because … You are a mouse. I am a rabbit”
“But I was always a mouse! Even when you found me and stopped me in my way to walk together, even when we entered this room!” - says the shocked and exasperated mouse
“Because …because... err you are brown, I am white. You fit in a hole, i dont”

The mouse closes its eyes. Closes its ears. Shuts off everything.
The rabbit decides to wait till this passes.

And now the thermostat is broken. Beyond repair. The doors are open. The rabbit is out but is still peeping in through the window.

The mouse has taken a leap...not in the direction it was hoping for.....jumping out of the cosy cushion on that not so perfect chair (that it loved, inspite of the chair missing back support), earlier than it expected but confused....confused for the smell of death hovers around its head, yet it doesnt feel dead.....and so scurries out of the room.

The room now is empty.
The same room which the rabbit and the mouse had stumbled upon without realization after months of travelling together on the path of playful leaps, boring naps, stimulating jumps...and had liked so much that they even stopped looking out of the window.

You see when they started walking together, the rabbit didn’t know the path travelled together led to this room and the mouse didn’t know it ended there.

My T-shirt reads...

Dont chase me....

....... if you are not ready to catch me!!

Men are from Mars : Women from Venus

A boy .
A girl .
Beginning the act of intimacy for the first time after knowing each for quite some time.


Girl (thinking to herself) - "So glad that i feel attracted to him physically as well!"

Boy (thinking at the same time) - "Its a bonus that shes not a bimbo!"

.......

My head is so messed up right now.... i had to find something to do... so here i am making a list of some totally random things about myself

- I cant sleep with the cupboards open. Just cant (and no its not because i think of being chased by ghosts coming out from there!)

- I still havent given up biting my nails ... never focussed on how ugly my hands look because of this but i insist on keeping my feet pedicured at all times.

- I cant concentrate on my work in office if the internet is not working, when i cant access any mail but the official one even though i dont usually look at these webpages once i open them. But they just have to be there up and running, for me to focus on work!

- Although i am not a cleanliness freak but i absolutely hate clutter... in the house , at my office desk and most importantly in my brain.

- When pain comes , i dont try to use distractions to avoid looking at it. I embrace it...whole heartedly, to be able to say good bye.