Why,you ask? Why not, i say....

After reading the comments of my readers on the last post, I realized maybe I wasn’t clear in expressing what I am angry about. So taking one more shot at it ..especially for you "my friend" :)

But before I do, lets see if we have the facts right, shall we?

A rabbit .A mouse. A playground. Rabbit approaches mouse, extends its hand for a hand shake, mouse accepts. Walk together for quite some time. As natural progression would have it, the path they tread on, leads to a room. Mouse, hesitant at first, finally overcomes its apprehensions (basically stemming from the realization of the differences between itself and the rabbit) and enters the room with the rabbit along its side.

Next step in the natural progression? Closing the door of the room so they have each others full attention! Mouse checks with rabbit , rabbit oks that.

Seasons change. Onset of winter. So next step of progression? Turning the heat up in the room. After waiting for the rabbit to take the prerogative this time, mouse finally inquires about the rabbits stance on the same. Rabbit begins to choke. Mouse sees its discomfort and offers to let the rooms temperature as is.

But to deal with the choking, rabbit needs the closed doors to open. Mouse goes ahead and opens the door. Rabbit steps out and so does the mouse. Mouse offers to have the final hand shake. Rabbit refuses. Says its not the only way. Says they should move on parallel paths overlooking each other along their respective journeys. Mouse says no, tries to make a clean cut and begins the silence … only to feel guilty that this might not be fair to the rabbit, and finally gives in to the suggested way of the rabbit.

So they wave and pass a smile to each other, every now and then, from their parallel paths. So far so good.

The rabbit starts extending its hand to other creatures along its way. The playground insists on notifying the mouse by default…Yes the default mechanism which was devised originally by the playground to keep all these creatures updated about each other hence closer in some sense. So you see, it’s neither the mouse nor the rabbit! The rabbit isn’t bragging about this to the mouse and the mouse isn’t indirectly snooping around or directly asking the rabbit. The mouse has let go.

Nevertheless this gets the mouse thinking. And angry.

Why? For various reasons.

For one the rabbit had used its inability to withstand the heat in the room behind the closed doors as its salvation argument with the mouse. The mouse had given the rabbit the benefit of doubt, thinking that the rabbit really didn’t know what would the simple hand shake lead to when it started the journey; that the rabbit really had no way of being aware of  this inability till the point of actually facing the heat. But NOW?? Now the rabbit knows.

And it is still extending its hand for new handshakes… knowing fully well that this would lead to ..the same natural progression..the room, the closed door and eventually the high mercury levels.

So what does this mean? Lets see...

1. a. If the rabbit is ok with that natural progression, then this implies that this was NEVER a problem. This only means that the rabbit lied and used this as his defense because it knew that this would pass as believable. The mouse is angry because it doesn’t want to believe that the rabbit was a liar. Its angry because the facts are forcing it to believe so.

1. b. Now lets say that the rabbit wasn’t lying and truly couldn’t withstand the heat. Think about it… given the fact that its trying to start new journeys being fully aware of its own limitations from a first hand experience……really, what kind of a character does this make the rabbit here? – One which knows that it is starting something which it cant complete, one which leaves the journey mate high and dry halfway through? The mouse knows no other way to see it as but lack of compassion. And the mouse is angry ….  Angry because compassion was one of the prime defining traits for the rabbit it knew, it was one of the reasons the mouse agreed to walk together with the rabbit  and eventually entered the room. The mouse is angry because it doesn’t want to believe this either while the facts insist on continuing their dirty dancing

1. c. Now lets say that the rabbit was neither lying then nor doing anything wrong now because its inability was genuine then and now it has finally overcome it somehow. But really, is that possible? Isnt it easier to motivate yourself for conquering your inabilities when you have the reward right in front of your eyes? In the context of the rabbit, why now? Why not when it was in the room with the mouse?  The mouse is angry because it doesn’t have answers to these whys.
   

Now lets sweep this whole intolerance towards heat issue aside to a corner for a while and assume that the second argument, the final stroke to gain an exit pass from the room, the mouse being a mouse and not a rabbit was really the whole deal breaker for the rabbit. Now the mouse had made its peace with the fact that the rabbit probably truly cant cohabit with a non rabbit which happens to be a mouse in this case……inspite of the fact….  that the mouse to this date fails to comprehend why the rabbit didn’t think of this earlier, while extending its hand, while walking together, and more importantly while entering the room? No the mouse is not angry about all that now.  So then whats it angry about now, you ask?

Well those creatures that the rabbit is extending its hand towards now are non rabbits too. And the fact that they are different isn’t holding the rabbit back from proactively seeking an association with them.

1. a. So again, this makes the mouse wonder if this (being a non rabbit) EVER was a problem or was just cited to facilitate an easy exit, when the above argument (inability to tolerate heat) didn’t work? If this is the case the mouse is angry to have been lied to… again…
2. 
   
3. b. The other possibility is that this IS infact a criterion and the rabbit was not lying in the first place. (Whatever said in b above can be easily quoted here as well) … Aware of limitations yet raising false hopes in other creatures only to enjoy some gametime & fun with them? The mouse is angry because it has to press the buzzer for “shamelss lack of compassion”... again!
   
4. 
   
5. c. The third possibility – Again on similar lines of c above… lets say “you- a-non-rabbit” was a genuine concern so no lying on the part of the rabbit then, and somehow it has ceased to be a concern, so no lack of compassion in trying to reach out to non rabbits now. Again the anger for the mouse stems from the timing of the rabbit to decide this. Why now? Why not when it was with the mouse (assuming that the rabbit has really erased this criterion)
   

And ... the mouse is angry because it doesn’t want to choose between the possibility of the rabbit being a liar or a compassionless dead soul.

Yes the mouse believes in accepting the creatures it calls its friends as they are, with their strengths and flaws alike. But there are some things which cant cross the line at any cost. Coincidentally, both honesty & compassion belong to that list of things.

When the mouse decided to break its silence and agreed to appear once again in the visibility range of the rabbit , the prime reason behind it all, was the belief in goodness. The belief that no creature can deliberately harm someone’s else interest … …and if the interests do somehow get harmed in the journey, it only happens without design, without the other really meaning to do so. So the mouse thought that shutting the rabbit out, completely, probably wasn’t fair...more so when the rabbit had made it explicitly clear that it didnt wish to be shut out.The mouse didn’t wish to think about its own self only so it gave in to the rabbits wish of letting the bridges be!

The mouse is angry because this whole thing shakes its basic philosophy of faith on which the mouse thrived on till now…

Maybe all of this is just a classic case of paralysis by analysis…. The mouse is angry because it has lost all its ability to see things clearly!!

P.S.- This is, in no way, an effort towards negating the other good qualities that define the rabbit. This is solely an expression of the anger felt by the mouse on its own perception of presence of certain other qualities viz Honesty & Compassion.

I am angry... and want to hold on that feeling for a while!

You think you have made your peace with something and then boom , it comes back later to bite you in the ass when you are not looking. Ok maybe not all of a sudden , maybe its triggered by some external stimulus rather than your internal think-machine. But the point is it comes back.

I am angry… and disappointed.  

And more pissed off for the fact that I cant remain angry for long.  So when I found myself angry, what did I do? I called the person I was angry with to hear the voice, to try and feel his sense of obliviousness in this context and be able to give him the benefit of doubt.

Yes call me crazy because I have weird mechanisms of dealing with things. But really… at the end of the day doesnt it come down to deciding for your own self what’s more important for you –

• - Not letting the other person see the huge impact that the situation had on you and appear all strong/not vulnerable.. either shutting that person out or behaving in a nothing-has-changed manner with that person OR
• - Not caring about the above. Instead facing the situation head on  - but at the same time trying to remind yourself of the good things about the association with that person, in the hope that it would help you see things clearly... in the perspective of balance!

So I go with the latter most of the times and it usually works. But this time, even after doing so, I don’t want to let this anger go. I am scared of the fact that this anger would evaporate all too soon and I would find myself getting bothered by a similar situation. So I want to feel this anger for so long that I don’t feel anything else.

Doesn’t make sense? Well remember the mouse and rabbit story?

The update  - The mouse is out and trying to figure where to go next, exhausted at the mere thought of finding another room to be comfortable, tempted by the thought of never entering a room again. While the rabbit is jumping on the same road again, just like before, but this time making sure to touch more creatures on its way, and touch them closely.  So why should the mouse be bothered? Yes it shouldn’t be …but for the fact… that it still doesn’t believe that the rabbit’s original intention was to cohabit the room for only some time and to get out on the road eventually, still cant digest the fact that the rabbit would still be treading the same path… all over again! In the exact same way with other creatures on its way!

You see this takes away the benefit of doubt that the mouse gave rabbit to salvage itself. The benefit of doubt being that the rabbit didn’t know that it couldn’t stand the heat of that room till it stayed in the room for a while. 

But now?? Now the rabbit knows! 

So why is it still looking, and pro actively so for partners to start a journey on the road which leads only to one place – that damned room?? Or maybe the foolish mouse doesn’t understand that problem was not the heat in the room in the first place but difference in their colour. 

If that was it, then why did the rabbit wait for so long to say this? And doesnt it know that the possibility of finding his own species is next to nothing in this path full of all kinds of species? So is it ok with walking along with a non rabbit? So when it blew the mouse off, was that a specific aversion to mice in general? 

What about the other unsuspecting creatures which the rabbit is going to disillusion? Why should be the mouse be worried about those creatures in the first place? Why does the mouse still wonder if the rabbit knows that all creatures would ask for adjusting the thermostat after a while and the rabbit being rabbit would run away..again? 

It is difficult to believe that the rabbit is so naive not to know... and if it does, then this doesnt make it a good being! (Unless of course, the rabbit feels that some creature would make it want to take that fur off to be ok with the extra heat in the room!). But no, this time the mouse doesnt want to use the benefit-of-doubt theory. So it has decided to house this anger for a while. And also stop looking at the direction where the rabbit jumps... forever!

The upside?? (Well why an upside??...cos i create such a hype about the sense-of- balance everytime!! So its only fair to expect an upside to this as well)  - Maybe all these whys will end up making me wise...somehow!

Giving in...

For the lack of anything better (I mean what do you expect? On the Christmas morning, when all the world is either sleeping or rejoicing in the festivities, I am here in office with a handful of others pretending to work but with no actual work on hand, overlooking grey clouds in the sky with an utmost certainitythat it is NOT going to rain for the simple reason that it NEVER rains here inspite of my constant prayers!)... i am going to put a tag (picked up from a fellow blogger's land) here and see if all this hype about tags really holds any worth... 

The way its supposed to go is that you get a chance to express ur true feelings :P by answering these questions honestly... 

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. Something I have and you want?
4. Give me a nick name and explain why you picked it?
5. Describe me in one word?
6. What was your first impression of me?
7. Do you still think that way about me now?
8. What reminds you of me?
9. If you could ever give me one thing, what would it be?
10. How well do you know me?
11. How do you see me in future?
12. Ever wanted to tell me anything, but couldn't?
13. Are you going to put this on your blog and going to see what I say about you?

Go ahead put up the same tag in your blog, I promise i wouldnt accuse you of plagiarism :P

Trying to paint the canvas white...And I just might!

Yellow lights, green lights .... all saying the world is bright
And I run towards the sign which says “Its all black and white”

I run and see …and see and run, where to I don’t know
Wasn’t I supposed to have a guide in this damn show?

I thought I found you but I only saw, not bothering to open my eyes
So tell me who should I really blame for being blessed with this vice.

I am not into worship so don’t bother asking me to pray
But I might just let go, so yes you will have to ask me to stay…

No hugging is bugging me!!

Isnt it sad when you realise you have no one to hug?? Even when are you are feeling low ...or not feeling well physically?

I think its been one whole month (or more) since i have had any human contact in these terms. And this realisation doesnt make me feel any better.... or maybe when you are sick, you tend to make these sad discoveries.

I mean, really .... isnt this some kind of an indication that you are spending this precious part of your life without acually enjoying the true rewards that it has to offer! Or does this just mean that you are in a wrong place, at a wrong time?

I dont know...

...What i do know is that i need someone to hug, as of now...

.... but i have no one, as of now!

Mourning a death! - By being ALIVE

“Its getting cold in here” - the mouse says looking at the thermostat.
“I know , but lets talk about something else for the time being. I don’t want to think about cold” – the rabbit responds.
“Ok.. what do u want to talk about?”
“Anything.”
So they talk about anything.

A wave of cold hits the mouse again after a while.
“Really, you are ok with this temperature? I feel we should adjust the thermostat”
“Yes I am ok… you see my fur? I am afraid I will be uncomfortably hot if you increased the temperature” - the rabits says after a long pause , after realising that the question isnt rhetorical and the mouse is indeed expecting a reply.
“So you are saying you can’t take out the fur, at all? Never? So you never feel so hot to want to take off the fur?” - says the surprised mouse.
“Ok all this talk has made the room much hotter than before. I can’t breathe”
“Maybe we should open up a window for fresh air?" - says the mouse, genuinely concerned now for the rabbit not thinking of the cold wind that would come in from the window.
“Sure, great idea! Here, I opened it” - says the rabbit , now standing in front of the window and breathing normally again.
“Ok with this window open, i dont think this automatic tuning of thermostat is enough. Really wouldnt a little more warmth be better? Can we adjust the thermostat please. And winter is approaching too…” - slowly speaks the mouse after not being able to withstand the very cold room now...which has been getting colder ever since opening of the window.
“I don’t know what to say. I already told you about my fur. Remember I have fur? And if you are cold …maybe you should change the room”

“But... but I like it here. I don’t know if its perfect but I am comfortable here. Yeah sure I feel the roof will leak sometime, the chairs will break… but I know the colour of the walls, I know the print of the bedspread.
Ok tell you what, lets not touch the thermostat.. Lets keep it at what it is, a little above room temperature for that warmth that we both feel ok with” - sighs the mouse
“Well… now that you mention it I think I need to turn the heat down actually. I need to open the door as well. I am having difficulty breathing again. Maybe we should go out of the room back to the path we came from. We eventually would have to move out of the room , right? Now is a good time to do that" - suggests the rabbit, trying to provide a clear direction to the predicament that it thinks the mouse is expecting to be resolved.
“And whys that?” - utters the confused mouse , thinking about how the rabbit wanted to enjoy both warmth of the room and the cold from the open window , wondering if the idea of eventually closing the window of the room could have transpired this thought of opening the door as well, or quitting the room altogether.
“Because … You are a mouse. I am a rabbit”
“But I was always a mouse! Even when you found me and stopped me in my way to walk together, even when we entered this room!” - says the shocked and exasperated mouse
“Because …because... err you are brown, I am white. You fit in a hole, i dont”

The mouse closes its eyes. Closes its ears. Shuts off everything.
The rabbit decides to wait till this passes.

And now the thermostat is broken. Beyond repair. The doors are open. The rabbit is out but is still peeping in through the window.

The mouse has taken a leap...not in the direction it was hoping for.....jumping out of the cosy cushion on that not so perfect chair (that it loved, inspite of the chair missing back support), earlier than it expected but confused....confused for the smell of death hovers around its head, yet it doesnt feel dead.....and so scurries out of the room.

The room now is empty.
The same room which the rabbit and the mouse had stumbled upon without realization after months of travelling together on the path of playful leaps, boring naps, stimulating jumps...and had liked so much that they even stopped looking out of the window.

You see when they started walking together, the rabbit didn’t know the path travelled together led to this room and the mouse didn’t know it ended there.

My T-shirt reads...

Dont chase me....

....... if you are not ready to catch me!!

Men are from Mars : Women from Venus

A boy .
A girl .
Beginning the act of intimacy for the first time after knowing each for quite some time.


Girl (thinking to herself) - "So glad that i feel attracted to him physically as well!"

Boy (thinking at the same time) - "Its a bonus that shes not a bimbo!"

.......

My head is so messed up right now.... i had to find something to do... so here i am making a list of some totally random things about myself

- I cant sleep with the cupboards open. Just cant (and no its not because i think of being chased by ghosts coming out from there!)

- I still havent given up biting my nails ... never focussed on how ugly my hands look because of this but i insist on keeping my feet pedicured at all times.

- I cant concentrate on my work in office if the internet is not working, when i cant access any mail but the official one even though i dont usually look at these webpages once i open them. But they just have to be there up and running, for me to focus on work!

- Although i am not a cleanliness freak but i absolutely hate clutter... in the house , at my office desk and most importantly in my brain.

- When pain comes , i dont try to use distractions to avoid looking at it. I embrace it...whole heartedly, to be able to say good bye.

Give me a life remote with a fast forward button!

What do you do if you feel like crying and you have no shoulder to lean on...

I am back from India and it feels like an exile :(
Hope it gets better with time.

The letter!

A letter ...written in a beautiful hand... blue/black ink....4 pages...
First page and some for my mother.. in english
Next page and some for me... in english
The rest... for my two sisters... in hindi...

Written by... my dad...
Makes me feel... teary eyed emotional, the intense happy-sad kinds!
Content... cant recall

Tells me... yet to figure that out...

Saw it in.... last nights dream

An online test just told me....

Your dating personality profile: Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love. Practical - You are a down-to-earth individual who is not impressed with material excess. You care about the stuff of like that really matters.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Liberal 2. Big-Hearted 3. Practical 4. Romantic 5. Wealthy/Ambitious 6. Sensual 7. Intellectual 8. Adventurous 9. Athletic 10. Stylish

Your date match profile: Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living. Intellectual - You seek out intelligence. Idle chit-chat is not what you are after. You prefer your date who can stimulate your mind. Romantic - You need someone with a traditional understanding of romance. A true romantic is a must-have in any potential date.

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Practical 2. Intellectual 3. Romantic 4. Conservative 5. Athletic 6. Big-Hearted 7. Outgoing 8. Sensual 9. Funny 10. Adventurous

Take the Dating Profile Quiz at Would I Date You

So any practical, intellectual, romantic man reading this???? :D

31

I turned 31 today!!

And it doesnt feel so bad....

No fire without a smoke?

Its been more than one month now that I quit smoking. I always thought that I could quit anytime I wanted, that I am not addicted to nicotine ....and I was right. Maybe not! Only time will tell.

When people came to know about it, a lot of undeserved credit for being health conscious came my way. Although I knew this was not the primary reason for this decision (it was just a bonus), I didn't correct them right away as I didn’t wish to talk too much about the actual reason. But then my threshold to hear how new-age I am, how I am doing all the right things blah blah (I had recently joined a gym too) was crossed and I couldn’t hear it anymore. I had to clear the air. The real reason for quitting smoking came from the fact that my mom was visiting me. Its not that she doesn’t know about my smoking (although I am not sure if she has any clue about the details like since how long, how many a day, intermittent or continuous etc etc).

So you say why quit then? Well the thing is, even when I know she knows, I obviously cant smoke in front of her. Now given the fact that we were going to a spend a lot of time together during this trip of hers, it automatically meant that I would have had to refrain from smoking for long periods of time in a stretch. I was sure I would crave for smoking during those times (Ok I know I said before that I think I am not addicted …. but did I say not addicted psychologically??). I was sure not being able to smoke during those hours would make me irritable and probably I would end up being cross with her at some subconscious level. I didn’t want to take that chance. I didn’t want to run that risk of saying/doing something which would have made her feel bad especially in a faraway land where she has no one but me. I wanted the non smoking situation not to become a function of her presence but a restraint imposed by my own self. At that time,I didn’t know if I would be successful in actually quitting, but I wanted to try nevertheless. So I did (try), starting two weeks before she arrived.

So I have been holding my ground for sometime now (5 weeks now) and I am doing fine, although I would be lying if I said I never had those weak moments when I felt like giving in. But to my credit, these moments were rare and comfortably spaced. So I carried on with my self imposed non smoking condition. You know how they say that after quitting for some time, if you happen to have as much as one smoke, there is no chance of your continuing your resolve after that. Guess what, "they" are wrong. I happened to go for some drinks twice during these days (once with friends & once my MDs idea of managers meeting over drinks) … craved for a smoke each time and had a couple of them each time. (I don’t remember if I have ever had a drink without a smoke… yes I know I am a bad girl :P... or maybe i started smoking the same time when i accepted the idea of social drinking). So even after those couple of smokes, I havent gone back to it .. "it" being regular smoking, of course! And I am fine with those two aberrations.

Ok so all good, right? Actually no. In the wake of this non smoking existence, I have been faced with some problems. Now, if i don't suffer from the physical withdrawal symptoms, what on earth could be my problem, you ask?? Well....

The problem is that now I don’t know how to take my breaks during working hours . You see, for the last 7 years, since i have been working, taking a break was synonymous with going for a smoke. Now I just don’t know what to do. And surfing internet etc wouldn’t work because I need to get up from my seat at least once in 2-3 hours. Arghhh!

The problem is that I don’t know what to tell myself during long boring meetings to keep me going. The idea of lighting a cigarette as soon as the meeting is over used to work wonders for my motivation to make it through the meetings. I don’t have that anymore. Arghhhh!

The problem is that all my ideas of unwinding (e.g. after a long day at work, sitting in the balcony with a cup of tea or sitting on the floor watching TV or lying in the couch listening to music), all my ideas/fantasies of soothing moments of pleasure (like feeling the wind in my hair driving through the hills, feeling the warmth of tea after experiencing chilling cold in my bones during a windy winter day, sitting on a rock in a moonlit night on some secluded beach) invariably involved a smoking moment. Now these (even at the idea stage) feel incomplete. Arghhhhhhhhh!

I know, I know, the benefits far outweigh these silly sounding problems of mine. For starters if a guy (esp a prospective groom suggested by some family connection) now asks me about smoking, I can comfortably say NO … and unlike what i experienced in the past, avoid going through a tortuous predicament of choosing between telling him the truth and preventing this news from travelling back to my mother (You see at one point of time, my mother didn’t know. And I didn’t want her to know from someone else but me, if at all. And imagine that someone being connected to my family network in some way. It would have been scandalous to say the least).

I remember one such incident when I was really torn between these choices – going with the truth OR protecting my mother from a shocking discovery & the unnecessary gossip/ controversy in the family (You see, it was a family network alliance). 

So the guy asked me the dreaded question. I had to think really hard inspite of all the hard work put in my room mates (I used to stay in a PG then, full of such kind helping souls) in teaching me how to either clearly lie or tactfully evade the question. Anyway in that meeting, when the question was popped, I decided I couldn’t do either of the two (no lying – cos I thought what if this is really important to him? And no evading the question – simply because I suck at that big time). 

So I came up with this – “I used to but I have quit now” After a split second when my conscience told me that what I had just uttered amounted to lying, I added – “but I am very prone to start again anytime”…. Ha! Make sense out of that!! Yes, I was crazy back then too. 

How did the guy respond, you ask?? Well he kept quiet…. of course! But in his defense, who could make anything out of that confused statement. Plus i know for sure, he didn’t have a slow wit - How did i know? Heres how - I thought of having a little fun with him before ending the meeting (once I figured at some point during our meeting that this alliance is not going to work out cos smoking was a big deal to him. Again, can you blame him?). 

So I asked him – “What if all goes well, we decide to marry and on the big day I come to you and tell you that I have started again” He just smiled so I had to force the realization upon him that the question wasn't meant to be rhetorical and I was expecting an answer. He smiled again. I asked again. After 3-4 times of repeating this, he finally said – “I will give you the light”. Now wasnt that sweet and funny both? Why, you ask? Well.. let me remind you that he was not ok with smoking in the first place(even a past association with it) and now imagine / visualize him on the eventful day, holding the light for me after I pull out my cigarette from that little shiny black bag which came as a part of my classy wedding ensemble :P

And I digress.

Anyway I cant say how long I am going to last in this. Afterall this is my first ... before this i never even thought of quitting...yes , not even once.

Give up on not giving up on my ability to sustain?? I don’t think so.

I am sure I was a fire.....even before i embraced the smoke.

Raindrops...

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

[trumpet]

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

P.S. - This was just a test post for a new blog that i thought of creating and later dropped the idea. Preserving the post though for two reasons - 1. I didnt want the commenters hard work to go waste :)  2. I really like this track! It was originally titled as test post for obvious reasons!

When the orange turned green!

A three and half year old Gina sitting in the kindergarten room, angry at her mother for not sending her jam in the lunch but some vegetables, crushes her exam paper into a ball. Crushing the paper doesn’t curb her anger, so she stamps on the paper and feels a little better

All kids dash towards the door as soon as the bell rings handing their respective papers to the teacher, while she keeps sitting there. For she is angry, not in the mood to take any exams, even if it’s only a colouring exercise but she knows just too well that somehow she cant leave the room without turning her paper in.

So she just sits there, not particularly waiting for anything to happen but wanting it to end somehow.

The teacher, Miss T after counting one paper less in her pile, spots the only kid sitting in the last row asks her if she has submitted her's. Gina remains silent and Miss T figures that she herself must have forgotten to pass on the paper to this kid in the first place. So gives Gina one more paper to colour

This one too meets the same fate, joining the first ball under Gina's desk. Miss T having missed this the second time also, asks Gina to submit the paper after a while. Gina too, taking upon the teacher, shows consistency in her behaviour by being silent again. Miss T repeats the question in a loud voice “Where is your paper?" twice.

Not able to withstand her teacher’s lack of observation, Gina points towards the paperballs under her desk.

Miss T, after having spotted not one but two of those paperballs, sitting motionless now after loads of stamping , loses it and gives Gina one tight slap.

After the satisfying experience of slapping Gina, she gives her yet another paper to colour. This time Gina is convinced that Miss T’s sense of observation has been restored miraculously, so she focuses on just getting the whole colouring thing over with.

Gina colours and gives the paper back to Miss T. Both of them are just too glad to leave the room

“Wait, Gina, just one second” – Miss T stops Gina in her tracks. “What colour is an orange?”

“Orange” – Gina replies without blinking an eye

“And what colour have you filled in?” – asks confused Miss T.

“Green” – Gina replies without losing a second again

Miss T, angry at Gina’s defiant attitude, takes her to the principal’s office and narrates the whole incident emphasizing on Gina’s nerve to rebel against the teacher so openly. The principal decides to ask the child herself as to why would she choose to colour the orange green when she knows it should have been orange.

“Because its not ripe yet” - declares Gina.

The principal decides to rule in favour of Gina.

Amusement Calling # 5347

A recent mail received on Shaadi.com

Message received:
hello [name] here iam not rih person and siable so will you marry me.please dont break my heart

About me section
"hello [name] here i very credulous and honest guy. i am m. b. a from howard so that is not eseencial my life partner should be in abroad my life partner should be decent kind hearted person and single person in the family. dont worry i am seeking girl who can stand on me at every placxe"

Hmmmmm... I am not sure i understand what he really wishes to convey but who cares.....
MBA from Howard, seeking a woman to stand on him at every place... Can you blame me if I cant resist falling for him?

P.S. - He says dont worry in his last line .... but I do! [As an afterthought maybe i dont .... maybe its just that my heart desparately wanted to say "I do" in any possible way in his context]

Chapter Europe!!

A recent tarot card reading (courtesy - One of my Indian friends) told me that I will be off to another country after Dec 2008...somewhere in Europe.

And no its not UK. Cards said a definite NO for UK.So now i am thinking ...which country?? Suggestions please!!

A day in the hospital!

9.30 am – The throbbing pain in the inflammated area around the boil once again convinces me that its never going to leave me. The hopeless optimist that i am , the hope of getting painkillers after the scheduled doctor visit keeps me alive

10.00 am – Though the visit to the doctor at 12.45pm seems zillions of years away in all that pain but I endure.

11.00 am – Crocin comes in as an interim painkiller

12.15 pm – One of my reportees, a kind soul, my favourite girl (Lets call her Daisy) comes to my house to pick me up for the doctors appointment. I eat Upma (a south Indian dish prepared & sent by an Indian colleague whose cooking enthusiasm still hasn’t faded. Then again, its only been 2 weeks since he arrived in this country and one week since he shifted to his apartment from the hotel)

12.40 pm – We reach the hospital. The number of cars parked in the street makes it look like a second hand car market. After 20 minutes of struggle, Daisy finally parks the car somewhere far away.

1.10 pm – I notice that it’s not a small clinic that I had envisioned when I got the appointment booked by another of my colleagues, Lily, the previous day. We enter the multistory hospital, figure which floor that particular doctor sits on, talk to the nurses and pay something like 1000 INR just to see the doctor.(No this is not the doctors consultation fees... thats separate, of course!) They tell us to wait as the doctor still has to arrive.

1.30 pm – We wait. I successfully hide my surprise on the doctor being late. The appointment was scheduled for 12.45 pm. But then again, we Indians ourselves are not the most punctual souls on the earth. So I smile. I start talking to Daisy to kill time. We manage to kill some time

1.45 pm – Daisy checks with the nurse. The doctor still hasn’t arrived. And my patience hasn’t run out yet. I wonder if this is how the term “patient” has come into being.

2.00 pm – I tell her how great a subordinate she is. She tells me how great a boss I am.

2.15 pm – Daisy again goes to check with the nurse about the doctors arrival. “Why wouldn’t we have called your name had the doctor come in?” - The nurse shouts at her, putting all doubts to rest about the power of her vocal chords....Just in case Daisy was wondering if not being called till now had to do with the faulty/ weak vocal chords of that nurse. I think all nurses are trained to read your minds.

2.30 pm – Daisy returns to her original waiting seat besides me. We try to kill some more time. I tell Daisy why I like her as a person, she tells me why she likes me.

2.45 pm – I start getting restless after waiting for so long. And Daisy starts getting uncomfortable sensing that she might have to go to the same nurse again. She puts her hands on her ears and gears up to go the nurse again. I tell her I have a better idea instead. I ask her to teach me how to say – “Has this doctor Mr. ABC arrived yet?” the local language. Dutifully , she obliges. I memorise it , I practice it. People around us think we are crazy and make no effort to hide their amusement .

2.48 pm – I go to the nurse’s desk. I throw the question in the local language at the nurse with confidence. The nurse hears me but doesn’t look up from the desk. I feel proud that I didn’t mutilate the language for this question and didnt let it turn out to be something laughable instead. So all goes well.... except for a small glitch. The nurse responds to my question. Of course, in the same language. Now not knowing what else to do, like a dumbass I repeat the question. I repeat it in the hope that the nurse would repeat her reply too, giving me a chance to memorise the content of her reply, to be translated by Daisy who is seated at a comfortable distance from these scary nurses. My memorization skills fail me but my courage perseveres. And I ask the question yet again. At this point the two nurses who had the back towards me look at me like I am a retard. I don’t blame them, instead pity them at their inability to admire my linguistic capabilities. The first nurse decides to have a little fun with me and changes her original reply. Just when I think I am getting there… just when I think its only a matter of catching the second half of her reply (the first half was there in my mind, thanks to the first two times the nurse yelled at me). I remember just in time that I am a realist and I give up.

2.50 pm – I come back to the waiting seats. Daisy asks me if I was able to remember & replay the question. When I nod my head in affirmation, she gives me a confused look silently asking me why then I don’t seem to have an answer. I am glad to be the one to announce this newly discovered epiphany to her that just memorising the question isn’t enough to get the answers… you need to be able to actually understand the answers. At this point me and Daisy decide this is amusing. So we honour this series of events with a hearty laugh.

3.15 pm – I hear a white angel call my name. The voice is distant and it all seems so mystical with a backdrop of pristine white clouds, the floating white robe of the angel and the total lack of gravity. I begin to smile only to realise that Daisy is shaking me out of my slumber. The absence of all that mystical aura makes me wince. I tell myself at least I am not dead yet…. and that should be a good thing. But at this moment, I dont do a good job of convincing myself .

3.20 pm- I drag myself to the doctors waiting room (Where was I before that, you ask? Oh even though the hospital is in a similar condition as any other government facility, waiting rooms are something the architect hasn’t compromised on) Of course, I wait for my name to be called.

3.30 pm - The door to his room finally opens and the patient comes out. But like all other social etiquette in this country, saying bye is also an elaborate process and takes more than 10 minutes. Yes ladies and gentlemen, 10 F****** minutes to say bye to your doctor, in his working hours, when he has a room full of patients to attend to, when he’s about three hours late for his scheduled appointment. I am about to yell at that damn woman patient but just then, thankfully, I remember my virtual silencer that I keep handy for situations just like these (In case you are wondering what a virtual silencer is, its just a combination of a LOT of conviction that yelling doesn’t help AND the actual motion of putting one hand over your mouth. I usually charge royalty for giving away this therapeutic technique of mine, but what the heck…. You guys are my loyal readers!)

3.45 pm – The doctor sees me, makes small talk about India and asks me to lie down for him to examine me. One look at me and he decides that he wants to cut me open. That I need an operation. Ok ok a minor operation. But an o.p.e.r.a.t.i.o.n nevertheless. I ask him about the money I would need for this. After he’s done telling me that it would cost a small fortune I excuse myself from his cabin on the pretext of arranging the money. You see after one fateful evening in the most famous mall of this city (a blog post for another time!), I do not carry much cash with me.

3.50 pm – I tell Daisy I am not sure about this cutting thing. I ask her about what I should do. She calls the girl in the office, Lily, who has directed me to this doctor. Lily in turn calls her uncle, who has got me the appointment in the first place. The uncle of course calls the doctor. And then the obvious happens. The circle follows the reverse motion - Uncle calls Lily, Lily calls Daisy and I get notified that the doctor thinks I should let them do it. Errr… but isn’t that where I started from? Do i know any better reason now to go ahead with the operation apart from the fact that the Doctor said so?. But then, I cant tell for sure, can I?….Afterall my head is reeling under all this pressure of having to decide about something like this, when all I wanted from the doctor was a goddamn prescription for some antibiotic pills.

4.00 pm – I surrender to the forces. Daisy offers to go and get the money from any nearby ATM. Before that she admits me in the hospital. Yes as you must have guessed, the operation can’t be performed on an out-patient. The room is dirty but with the magic of little tips to the cleaning lady, it becomes manageable with sheets on the bed changed, floor wiped and a supply of tissues, soaps & clean flannel gown.

4.30 pm – They tell me I will be taken to the operation theatre in a bit. I wait on the bed in a once-white flannel gown. Daisy is back from the ATM & has ordered food from KFC on my suggestion. She is elated on her discovery of KFC delivering even in the hospitals.

4.40 pm – The nurse pricks my finger for diabetes test. I try hard to see if the needle is a new one. Damn, she hides it just too well. Instead she tells Daisy in the local language that she finds me beautiful (as a compensation probably) and asks her which nationality I am. I wonder if this is a way of extracting better tips.

4.50 pm – Two men come to the room with a patient on the stretcher and put her on the bed adjacent to mine. They motion with their hands for me to get on the stretcher. I worry that the sheet on the stretcher is not clean. I get them to change that. Then I worry my flannel gown will fly open as the nurse never gave me that promised piece of clothing to cover my back. I manage to hold the gown tightly on me with difficulty ...but I manage.

4.55 pm – I wonder why this one nurse keeps touching my face saying something like “pretty face”. Ok I know she means well and I don’t have any problem with her freedom of speech, it’s the freedom to touch, and that too repeatedly, that I am not ok with. For the life of me , I cant figure out why in the world, would you wish to touch a strangers face, so many times.

4.55 pm – I go from floor to floor in an elevator and enjoy the horizontal view. I never realised that the world looked so different from this angle. I discover that I am claustrophobic when it comes to lying on a stretcher in an elevator, surrounded closely with 6 strangers headed to different floors. The elevator isn’t big. I don’t want my vision to go anywhere but their faces and I expect the same from them. At this point, I am sure I am getting too ambitious with these expectations.

5.00 pm – It suddenly hist me that I am headed to an Operation Theatre. I am reminded of the fancy ambience that surrounds almost all the surgeries in “Greys Anatomy”. I don’t feel very non glamorous now.

5.01 pm – I am lying on the same stretcher outside a small room they store their drugs in. So much for the fancy ambience...eh? There are no handsome doctors parading around in their blue scrubs either. No Mcdreamy, no Mcsteamy, no Alex, not even Adison Montogomery. I am starting to see the glamour fly out of the non existent window. I make a mental note to stop watching the reruns of Grey’s Anatomy.

5.10 pm – I finally move to the OT. The condition of OT doesn’t help me get back that receding glamour quotient .

5.12 pm – The anaesthetist introduces himself and asks me to narrate some interesting experience as a foreigner in this country. I tell him about the day I went to register a police complaint about the theft of my handbag. I narrate how the police guys kept asking me repeatedly for my name with the conversation going something like this - Police - “Name please” Me – “ABC” Police – “yes , yes but name”. Me – “I said ABC”, Police – “yes we know but name” Me – “its ABC” Police - * a long sigh* "could you please tell us your N.A.M.E". Me – “Its A.B.C.” All this while the nurses in the OT along with the anaesthetist & the other doctor are laughing their lungs out. (To complete the story … after repeated attempts of me telling them my name, a sudden realization dawned upon me and it all made sense. I remembered that my name in their local language means “Theft” . Yes you read it right….it means theft. Need I say more? Replace "Theft" in place of ABC in this conversation ...and then you see why these police guys were so exasperated with me)

5.15 pm – I have been injected with the local anaesthesia already. While I was busy narrating this story, the anaesthetist was busy pricking the needle in my abdominal abscess from all angles. I worry that the local anaesthesia is not effective; so the doctor gives me a demo by scratching that area with a needle and proving to me that the area indeed is numb. Given the limited periphery of my vision right now, i realise its wise to graciously choose to believe what the doctor is telling me. You see even if i tried i couldnt have caught his adept fingers at holding the needle just a mm away from my skin and making me believe otherwise.

5.16 pm – At this point in time, the other doctor (my main doctor) decides hes been idle for too long so he springs to action. I cant see his hand movements fully but I can see a blade like thing in his hand. As much as I try I cant escape from thinking about the movie Awake. I really dont want to remember the movie at this moment, especially the anesthetic awareness scene where the anaesthesia gives the patient partial paralysis, so while he cant move or speak, he can feel everything the doctors do to him . I mean every damn thing. I see the doctor’s hands moving and I can see my psychologically felt pain yet I don’t feel anything. Physically, of course!

5.36 pm – The doctor announces that the cut went deeper than he thought and would take about one week to ten days to heal. Writes a prescription for those damn antibiotics.... ahhhh, finally! Asks me to come see him in his clinic after one day for change of dressing.

5.38 pm – Its time to take the horizontal tour again, to the elevator, to the allotted room... back to the same bed.

5.45 pm – Daisy is called again on the OT floor as she hasn’t paid one nurse her undeserved tip

5.46 pm – I start changing into my clothes and happen to see the size of the bandage. A small scream escapes my mouth. Okay, the doctor prepared me for deep but this long…. I see that the bandage spans more than one foot long.

5.55 pm –Daisy finishes all paperwork, billing and tipping. In case you are wondering, no it wasn’t a government managed hospital. The bills would testify for that.

6.15 pm – I am finally home with a 35 cm long bandage on my belly, sitting in front of TV promising myself to remember the salt names for antibiotic medicines for future (Could have bought these antibiotics from a pharmacy in the first place …. only if I had the memory to remember these names OR sense to check with someone back home for the same OR the intelligence to figure that in this country you need a prescription to make a medicinal purchase)

How to spot an Indian in my office!!

Its human nature to generalize things, patterns & trends. Building on this premise , this is how we Indians (about 4-5 of us in the office) get defined here …(as observed by the localites)

We do not waste time in exchanging pleasantries. We get straight to the point. E.g. A mail from an Indian would read simply “When can I have this report?” as against a mail from a local asking the same question “Hi ABC, Hope this mail finds you well. How was your weekend / Hope you are having a good day today (whatever fits). It would be really great if you could let me know by when can I get to have a look at the report. Your co-operation is highly appreciated. Have a good day. Thanks in advance, Regards XYZ”. And yes, this applies to the phone conversations too. Maybe we Indians are a rude race (my opinion, not my fellow Non Indians) or maybe we are simply more task-oriented than people-oriented.

We are not big on food. We either don’t eat at all or eat very little. Now this perception is based solely on the fact that fellow Indians in my office are all either calorie conscious or are not a big fan of junk food (the only choice available if you wish to have lunch in office… no pantry/canteen facility, so we essentially have to order in)

We speak very fast. Now I don’t know about this one. “Fast” is a relative term afterall.

We use big words in our communication (English). I don’t know if I agree with them or not, nevertheless this is one of the perceptions about Indians (If my blogger friend Anand was actually hired here and this perception was based on him, I would have certainly agreed with them on this :D... BTW this is a compliment Anand, just in case you start thinking otherwise) Actually most of them say they take after us to enhance their vocabulary (yeayyy!!!) but there is always a risk that you would give out an impression of being a show-off, or making people uncomfortable with their own vocabulary.

We are technically very sound. So there, just like that, we gain their respect & acceptance because we are Indians. Of course there is a flip side to it. If you are an honest soul and want to correct their perception informing them of your average / lower than average technical skills, they would never believe you and the pressure of great expectations would continue looming over your head. Well , only if you have learnt the art of portraying yourself as knowledgeable, there’s not much to worry.

More as and when I observe/ learn…